Monday, April 7, 2014


It's a warm summer evening in the country. The heat of the day is gone. Refreshing wind is soft and cooling, casually playing with leaves and brushing the grass.
They are outside by the fire just few steps away from the house. It's getting darker and quieter except for the crackling sound of slowly burning wood. The day is wrapping up.

They are not talking.
Leaning on his elbow with the eyes half-closed what is he thinking right now...
She couldn't tell for sure.
She's watching him watching the fire fade away into the darkness.
There's no need for words, all's been said long time ago, more than once.
Being far away from the city this imaginary peace seems real or at least attainable.
All the distractions are gone, crowds, noise, madness of crushing changes recycling known reality into something unexpected and sinister.
And here it all seem to soothe mind and soften the edges.
Stepping away from the frame has the healing effect or at least it dulls the pain.

There's a lingering feeling in the silence, the unspoken tabu on the subject that matters more to her than to him. Question is hanging in the air cautious not to be asked.
Apparently, it's still too soon.
It seem they both operate in a different time span with the urgency on her side and procrastination on his. They meet on the crossroads of timelines avoiding this very clear abyss that will either lift or inevitably split them up.

Not ready to make a decision he lingers longer than expected and she's lingering with him, frozen in this strangely ambiguous state, unable to move forward, unwilling to give up and turn away yet.

There's still a hope of happily ever after. All the signs are there. It seems so natural and yet ridden with hidden obstacles.
The trust and mutual reliance were never in question, friendship was a lifeline.
It's the past that grips him rendering powerless to open eyes and see the future in this very moment.

He looks at her if about to say something but stops and leans back deeper into evening shadows.
Her mind is wondering, gliding on the top of the trees closer to one by one up lightening up stars, tuning in to the surrounding calm, preparing herself to wait just a little longer.
This very minute is a crossroad, one of the times when you turn your life into the chosen direction. She was well aware how long overdue it was with lingering thought nothing more than stalling.

It seems almost effortless just being here, stay, devoid of all pressures, just breathe fresh air, being in the same space, with or without each other.

It's a pity.
It'll soon be gone, vanishing into thin air, altogether with the messy turmoil around strangely reflecting all the turbulent emotions on the inside.
At times they spilled out trying to drown her in their waters when all she could see was a black roaring current carrying her further away, breaking the last straw the fingers were desperately holding on to.
And he was letting her drown. This she couldn't understand. As if he looked at her and didn't see what was happening, hesitant or unable to help. Or maybe, he was too engrossed in putting himself together piece by piece, struggling to let go of non-existent past, searching for a hideout in the uncertain present, not daring to look ahead further than eyes could see.
There was a darker side to him though, something she failed to notice earlier lacking life experience or focusing just on the good. Something he'll tell her years later, something about being the better part of himself. She might've been right after all. In that constant struggle between the light and all-consuming darkness thrashing him around between two shores there was essential good that made a difference.

In the middle of crashing and rising worlds there was a moment where it could've been all they wished for, in another lifetime perhaps...

The moment will pass, not today or tomorrow but it will, even though they don't know it yet. In a couple of years she'll move on, soaring away from all this, leaving behind so many things to never return.
He'll be left behind too, as he always wished but didn't quite understand the meaning of it.
Things will come clear in the light of day when the void opens his eyes to the obvious truth.
She is gone.
And he let her.
In a desperate attempt he'll try to pour his feelings into music with her own words, to no avail.
Now all of a sudden he wakes up to the realization but it's too late to contemplate what would've been. He stands alone once again and looks back at the chances he missed whispering the untold with the unforgivable delay.
The sheer emptiness is deafening, words climb up in effort to breach the distance and time and mean something to both of them but it's not to be.
Moment has faded with the smoke from the last glimpse in that summer evening when all could've been different.

They don't know it yet.
He doesn't know he's bound to crash once again, harder than he could've ever imagined, with the gripping despair driving him insane.
He doesn't yet know that he'll betray her (even from the distance) and taint the memories with the black splatter of his own pain, leaving non-erasable stains on pure and degrading the innocent.
And for that she will never forgive him.

There must be many abysses people are staring into at various points of their lives deciding to plunge into the darkness or soar above. Choices are ours to make.

It's warm outside and the air is filled with the smells of fresh grass and wild flowers and trees, wishes are bound to come true one way or another.
She closes her eyes and at this  point still believes that one day he'll wake up, acknowledging painfully obvious, and stop tormenting them both.

The time stays still with the future yet to be written.