Tokyo - take it or leave it /Ch.6 When passions run high

When passions run high):

Sometimes you can hate this place so much that the only thought pulsating in your exhausted brain is to head for the airport and don't look back. Some have done just that. Others cooled off and persevered longer, much longer than it was planned.

Some days you can physically feel how this giant faceless mass is slowly strangling you, sucking the last air out of your lungs, like a rolling pin flattening you into something you are not and never will be. 

The constant struggle is excruciating. It's never completely over and it is hanging somewhere close waiting to wager another war that one day only one of us is going to win. I wonder what it would look like. 

Emotions dulled up by months and years of identical copying are suddenly sharp like razors and ready to lock in the final battle of whims. It's not a pretty picture but it surely tests what you're made of.

You raise your imaginary sword and plunge into the battle like a little Hobbit against the dark forces of Mordor. 

Tokyo - take it or leave it /Ch.5 Timeless childhood

Timeless childhood):

One peculiar thing about this city is that people's  behavior (regardless their age) can strike you as childish. Refusal to grow up until way into their 30s, worshipping Tokyo Disneyland that seem to serve more adults than kids, obsession with youthful cuteness bordering insanity when some 50/60year olds insisting on dressing up like 20year olds sincerely believing that loosing enough weight should do the trick, possibly.., from behind...

The way to speak, insisting on girlish giggly talk, quickly spreading among young males is slightly shocking and disturbing. Fashion caters heavily to the concept with kiddy style short pants on everyone age 5-75, ribbons and hairstyles from comic books.

Serious topics are mostly avoided, things must be kept light and there's a lot of forced laughter. Many will be convincing you that the only way to open up is after few drinks. Drinking is apparently another 'tradition' that is praised as 'healthy' and necessary to connect with society. You hardly find any negative attribute of alcohol here with rampant advertisement and kids being at the table with drinking adults through their formative years as a norm. 

Tokyo - take it or leave it /Ch.4 Remedial wins

Remedial wins):

Conformism is the key (the only key) to any kind of success and this says everything. Character, personality, knowledge, experience - irrelevant. Blank sheet without opinion to scribe on all that's deemed relevant or necessary is the ideal choice of any institution here, public or private. Being part of a group is the only viable existence. Any hint of a true character will get you discarded as non-useful, high brow and potential 'trouble-maker'. Slow, docile, taking double time to complete the simplest work project (often with the help of others at their own time) is praised any time over intelligence, efficiency and original train of thought, for being desperate, devoted and obedient. 

Globalization made little impact on those choices and the country proceeds to strive to change without changing primary mindset, if not crawling back even further, avoiding any glimpse of reality to be recognized or taken into a consideration. But I am digressing.

Back to conformity on Tokyo scene. It covers all areas of life without questioning the validity with passing years and constant failures that expose gaping holes needed to be patched.

Holding on to the only reality known, deep inside terrified of everything coming from outside as of personal danger,  constantly suspicious of outsiders, uncomfortable facts, distorting Disney version reality carefully assembled stone by stone, unable and unwilling to let go and venture outside into a real world, messy and changing every moment.

Intolerance to any critical thought, paying semi-honest 'professional' journalists to spread semi-lies to the outside world to keep up this unrealistic image of things known to everyone living here and willing to open eyes to see to be completely untrue, is the norm and a sadly a simple litmus paper test for the remaining integrity among expats.

Take it or leave it, doubtfully things will change any time soon if ever. 

Tokyo - take it or leave it /Ch.3 Below the surface

Below the surface):

I'm quite sure it's not the city you'd fall in love with. It doesn't have enough charm or allure to captivate or inspire. Probably it's too prosaic, practical, obscure in its dally predictability. Things rarely happen here that would excite your taste or imagination or simply please eyes. It's more of the small obstacle course where you already know the scenario and just keep playing it as a necessary part of living in the city's large stomach.

It weighs on you like a lazy giant that has no purpose.

And it definitely does look better at night from the distance with all the twinkling lights and dark silhouettes that could be anything or anyone you wish.

Anonymity is the key. Dissolving in the vast massive entity and still staying yourself, not trading who you are for the illusive peace, navigating the waters without expectations or obligations.

Writing and performing your own little play surrounded by thousands ever changing sceneries or living beings that coexist but don't cross your path or influence the direction of your thought.

Murmur of the language around gives cushioning to the edges between reality and what you want it to be. 

Curiously, in this city some people jump at the sound of foreign tongue behind them, swiftly turn and roll their eyes out. So much for being the capital, constant, decades long efforts to master English and looming globalization.

The same could be said for foreign looking faces of all kinds that for some reason can not stop exciting all the unnecessary attention.

Curiosity? Maybe....

Being foreign-looking in this city will get you a lot of uninvited attention, curious looks and plain staring. You might not be a celebrity but you'll definitely be scrutinized on a daily basis for your looks, way to dress, generally for being different. 

There's no chance to completely dissolve in a crowd. Attention comes in various forms, from innocent child-like curiosity, to ogling, to hostile glares making you self-conscious or oblivious, whatever you may choose as a defense mechanism depending how long you've stayed here. 

At times people will get comfy to observe you on transport from far corners and it won't matter if you look back trying to stair them away. It doesn't matter what you do, really. Everything will be written off by one concept - foreigner.  Being a foreigner of course gives you a carte blanche.

The feeling of being constantly watched from various angles is persistent and disturbing but that's another facet of the city that refuses to grow up.

Tokyo - take it or leave it/ Ch.2 Size matters

-2-

Size matters):

First of all, Tokyo is huge, densely populated, impossibly crowded at any time of the day and strangely devoid of character. The giant conglomerate of buildings, trains, shops and people.

There are few historical patches of course but they're like an oasis lost in a vastness of a concrete jungle. 

Enormous ants nest that doesn't sleep but consumes everything in large quantities: food, people, character, years, you name it.

Weird fascination with skyscraper 'architecture' is only an indication of being from out of town. In any case, those will be scraped away in 10-20years to accommodate newer versions. That's another thing about this city - nothing ever stays the same. Buildings rise and fall, shops open and close, train stations are built and rebuilt with insane frequency that's hard to follow. It feels like a giant self-rearranging mechanism is always in motion.

Coming to the same corner of the city after few years of absence may leave you wondering if you've ever been here before.

Nothing is permanent, absolutely nothing. Except for ever increasing number of citizens. They seem to multiply progressively contradicting all the data about falling population rate. 

Things are built in most incredible places, squeezed in between various loosely shaped structures to accommodate whatever space is available.

You need to find another definition for the word 'space'. All buildings: offices, shops, restaurants, private houses are crammed together leaving almost no space between them. Natural light will find it hard to get to these corners even on a bright like a passing comet summer day. That explains the fact that a lot of windows are just blind opaque glass. Just imagine rooms without any natural light. Bluish fluorescent lights replace it with depressing reminder of a lab or morgue throwing ghostly shadows on faces. 

There's constant rush at all hours of the day. Standing on the train platform at 5am surrounded by quiet, half-asleep early morning crowd makes you wonder what drives people to do that even on weekends...

Close proximity is exhausting.

Personal space concept hasn't been invented yet. It's so easy to develop claustrophobia by just looking at streets or rush hour trains.

Grim and drowsy morning crowd gives way to rushing, alcohol lubricated evening commuters. It's getting louder and hotter and it'd be prudent not to comment on various odors, as apparently this city people are fresh-air phobic to the extreme. Try opening windows on trains or in offices and you'll be met with horror looks, like you've just broken all the commandments in one try.

The motto of Tokyo is: Be cold when it's cold and hot when it's hot. Fresh air is irrelevant.

Any question, surprise, shock, is rebuffed with the only possible explanation - 'tradition' - that covers all the territory. Meanwhile, people professing 'traditional values' mostly have very little grasp on what it actually is. But it serves it's purpose - to retort without any  meaningful consideration.

Streets of this city are almost identical, so looking for landmarks will prove a seriously challenging task. City is navigated from under via elaborate network of corridors connecting everything to anything. 

You could get in any building from any level from B1,2,3,4 to street level. Actually, you can never be completely sure what floor you are on. Mystifying reality is that buildings are accessed from various sides, levels or entrances. 

With time you learn to navigate this elaborate maze with the certainty of a city rat without any need for maps or directions. The true meaning of 'rat race' is right here for you to experience in its full glory.

You try to hide away in suburbs and it's nice at the beginning with all the green and horizon you can finally see but then the crowds start to follow you, more buildings, shops, and ever increasing number of people that take away your space inch by inch with the noisy determination of busy ants on a spring day.

Tokyo - take it or leave it /Prologue

Prologue) 

I don't know if Tokyo is worth writing about or not but at some point there's a need to get it out of your system. It stands there - pompous giant without much personality, unable to intimidate but capable of making your everyday miserably annoying and yet somewhat comfy to live. 

Big city people are strange tribe taking their dwellings in stride, day by day, with the constant desire to escape that hardly ever materializes. 

Crammed, noisy existence is balanced with lazy comfort and relative safety. 

You learn to trade open green spaces for opportunities it presents and chance to be anonymous in the sea of people. You don't have to know or care for anyone if you so choose. Serious relationships are hard to sustain as nobody has any time to spare, unless of course you play for the team of numerous housewives or retired.

Things are mostly kept at a distance that only you yourself decide on. 

It's good and bad of course. Ask yourself a simple question: if you picked up a phone now, who would you call? Despite the immediate family or workplace.

For all the high tech making almost anything possible it's not an easy answer. 

People are swamped with busy schedules and live on different sides of the city, preoccupied with work and family hustle, constantly short of sleep and permanently tired.

Look at Tokyo face in the morning. It's a grey view of people half or deep asleep, somber and passive, devoid of any wish but get to the seat and sleep some more. 

Some sleep with their heads up and mouths open. It's hard to resist dropping something in accidentally or on purpose, just for fun.

But then again, Tokyo isn't famous for its sense of humor. It won't be understood or accepted. This inevitably adds so much more stress to everyday existence. People unable to laugh at themselves, cautiously suspicious of others intentions. 

At times you'd come across people who offer help or assistance to lost soles in the vastness of metropolitan public places but most of those had experience living outside the country and understand how it might feel. Never bet on the chance people will be helpful here. It's all in your luck in each given day. Most shy away from any real contact sighting lack of language skills, others are simply indifferent (you might as well be an alien from another planet), some could be even hostile and nasty for no apparent reason than (that) you are from the different world.

It wouldn't matter if you have lived here decades and reasonably speak the language. Outsiders looking for the 'warmth and closeness' of the community will hardly ever find what they're looking for.

Ironically, Tokyo is probably one of the strangest capital cities, the most resembling countryside communities weaved into the one giant patchwork, interspersed with rice paddies and small farms right next to modern condos.

Comparing it to London, Paris or Prague would be futile.

First, there is no center to this city the way it's perceived in Europe. Ask several people about it and they will give you all sorts of answers depending where they like to go. Each area or town has different local jurisdiction, and people tend to identify with the immediate place they inhabit. A little segment where their house is, the part of town they work in and places they go shopping to or hang out with friends. The rest is mostly non-existent to them. You get this bizarre feeling that people are deliberately isolating themselves cutting off all they deem redundant. 

Another thing, everything is in the mix here: residential areas are interspersed with businesses, stores, shops, railways and highways. There's virtually no demarcation between them. Today you live in a green residential area and tomorrow it'd start to turn into a fast growing concrete mini-jungle, reminiscent of the 'architectural efforts' of any other 'developed' place in the city.

Flashback

It's a warm summer evening in the country. The heat of the day is gone. Refreshing wind is soft and cooling, casually playing with leaves and brushing the grass.
They are outside by the fire just few steps away from the house. It's getting darker and quieter except for the crackling sound of slowly burning wood. The day is wrapping up.

They are not talking.
Leaning on his elbow with the eyes half-closed what is he thinking right now...
She couldn't tell for sure.
She's watching him watching the fire fade away into the darkness.
There's no need for words, all's been said long time ago, more than once.
Being far away from the city this imaginary peace seems real or at least attainable.
All the distractions are gone, crowds, noise, madness of crushing changes recycling known reality into something unexpected and sinister.
And here it all seem to soothe mind and soften the edges.
Stepping away from the frame has the healing effect or at least it dulls the pain.

There's a lingering feeling in the silence, the unspoken tabu on the subject that matters more to her than to him. Question is hanging in the air cautious not to be asked.
Apparently, it's still too soon.
It seem they both operate in a different time span with the urgency on her side and procrastination on his. They meet on the crossroads of timelines avoiding this very clear abyss that will either lift or inevitably split them up.

Not ready to make a decision he lingers longer than expected and she's lingering with him, frozen in this strangely ambiguous state, unable to move forward, unwilling to give up and turn away yet.

There's still a hope of happily ever after. All the signs are there. It seems so natural and yet ridden with hidden obstacles.
The trust and mutual reliance were never in question, friendship was a lifeline.
It's the past that grips him rendering powerless to open eyes and see the future in this very moment.

He looks at her if about to say something but stops and leans back deeper into evening shadows.
Her mind is wondering, gliding on the top of the trees closer to one by one up lightening up stars, tuning in to the surrounding calm, preparing herself to wait just a little longer.
This very minute is a crossroad, one of the times when you turn your life into the chosen direction. She was well aware how long overdue it was with lingering thought nothing more than stalling.

It seems almost effortless just being here, stay, devoid of all pressures, just breathe fresh air, being in the same space, with or without each other.

It's a pity.
It'll soon be gone, vanishing into thin air, altogether with the messy turmoil around strangely reflecting all the turbulent emotions on the inside.
At times they spilled out trying to drown her in their waters when all she could see was a black roaring current carrying her further away, breaking the last straw the fingers were desperately holding on to.
And he was letting her drown. This she couldn't understand. As if he looked at her and didn't see what was happening, hesitant or unable to help. Or maybe, he was too engrossed in putting himself together piece by piece, struggling to let go of non-existent past, searching for a hideout in the uncertain present, not daring to look ahead further than eyes could see.
There was a darker side to him though, something she failed to notice earlier lacking life experience or focusing just on the good. Something he'll tell her years later, something about being the better part of himself. She might've been right after all. In that constant struggle between the light and all-consuming darkness thrashing him around between two shores there was essential good that made a difference.

In the middle of crashing and rising worlds there was a moment where it could've been all they wished for, in another lifetime perhaps...

The moment will pass, not today or tomorrow but it will, even though they don't know it yet. In a couple of years she'll move on, soaring away from all this, leaving behind so many things to never return.
He'll be left behind too, as he always wished but didn't quite understand the meaning of it.
Things will come clear in the light of day when the void opens his eyes to the obvious truth.
She is gone.
And he let her.
In a desperate attempt he'll try to pour his feelings into music with her own words, to no avail.
Now all of a sudden he wakes up to the realization but it's too late to contemplate what would've been. He stands alone once again and looks back at the chances he missed whispering the untold with the unforgivable delay.
The sheer emptiness is deafening, words climb up in effort to breach the distance and time and mean something to both of them but it's not to be.
Moment has faded with the smoke from the last glimpse in that summer evening when all could've been different.

They don't know it yet.
He doesn't know he's bound to crash once again, harder than he could've ever imagined, with the gripping despair driving him insane.
He doesn't yet know that he'll betray her (even from the distance) and taint the memories with the black splatter of his own pain, leaving non-erasable stains on pure and degrading the innocent.
And for that she will never forgive him.

There must be many abysses people are staring into at various points of their lives deciding to plunge into the darkness or soar above. Choices are ours to make.

It's warm outside and the air is filled with the smells of fresh grass and wild flowers and trees, wishes are bound to come true one way or another.
She closes her eyes and at this  point still believes that one day he'll wake up, acknowledging painfully obvious, and stop tormenting them both.

The time stays still with the future yet to be written.

The Big One comes on Friday

Chapter 1: Day1

Not again... Swaying lamps, shaking ground, tilting pictures.
How long can it last? How many times should it come to be over.
Since the big quake in the north, followed by tsunami and radiation leaks, came endless big, small and medium size aftershocks disrupting life in multitude of ways.
Regular blackouts, transport erratic schedule, shops with odd work hours, shortages of necessities and the worst of it - inability to get some deep refreshing sleep.
She felt annoyed. Tremors would come and go but never disappear completely. She has been constantly on guard for another earthquake. Nobody could with any degree of certainty predict if or when it comes or how strong it would be.
Tremors may subside over a period of months or... not an optimistic 'or', terrifying 'or', implying the probability of the 'Big one' close to the city. The reality of which no one wanted to anticipate. Look at what's happening here now, 200 km away from the direct impact.

It's been an incredibly stressful couple of months with uncertainty about practically everything.
She wished for at least few hours a day of rest and peace, unconscious oblivion of quiet dreams completely unrelated to the current events. But dreams avoided her. Lack of sleep started to become a problem. Moments of extremely high concentration and efficiency were taking turns with periods of blank spacing out and inability to move.
Deep down she feared what was coming. She could trust her gut that it wasn't the end, not yet. Unfinished business of this whole situation was still hovering insistent in its relentless remindings.

Spring was making its way through despite all the mess. Sunny days with blooming flowers of all colors, chirping birds, families on picnics on the first grass and under the snowstorm of white petals were defying all the odds.
Still, this quite equilibrium was too deceptive to believe it completely, without a grain of salt. After just a month of constant nerve trying events, it was simply too good to be true. Everyone wanted to believe it could be, wished and preyed for it to be - the end of the nightmare, the light at the end of the terribly uncomfortable tunnel.
That's what it meant here, in the city - discomfort, fears about the future. People here couldn't even begin to fantom the life in the north. It was a completely different dimensional experience only modestly channeled through the media and blog posts.

What if the Big one is coming... She needed to think of it, however unsettling it was. What then?..
Almost 30 million people in the greater city area. How?
Run fast, run far - seemed like a logical choice but so many things were tied up here.
She had these periodic dialogs with herself, the ones without either beginning or end, sort of diving in and out of the conversation. It helped to channel thoughts, clear the mental clutter.

Another tremor interrupted her yet again.
 'Oh, no'... She stood up and waited. (It became a habit to be upright when these things happened.)
It seemed to be subsiding and then... the screeching sound, sharp rattle, increasing in its vigor tremors were tearing at the building, small mementos falling...  Everything was happening within the fraction of a minute.
The whole world tortured and twisted around her was breaking apart and there was no time for anything planned, nothing but watch it crash and die.
The glimpse of light was vaguely visible through the strangely triangular shaped corridor exit
but it also slowly faded into a darkness.
The last thought on the edge of consciousness - 'it's nothing what we think it is' resurfaced and was gone.

The Big one was here.




Chapter 2: Blackout

Only speed, wind, hot and sharp.
Can't open eyes. Can feel, hear, not see. Eyelids are too heavy, like when they roll you out of the operation room and call your name to make sure you came back. You can hear, answer but eyes are still shut tight and sleep prevails.
Can feel own breath, dry lips and the wind, cosistently strong and deliberate. Trying to see and like in dreams instead of waking up falling in yet another reality.
Tired, loosing touch, sinking into the darkness, deeper and deeper.
Lightening penetrates and receeds, music flows, something very familiar.
Speeding away again, faster and faster, loosing grip on things however weak. No thoughts of before or after, vague recollection of now. Bumpy ride, getting used to, falling into a nothing.
Segmented memories were unsuccessfully trying to relate, establish links, become somewhat coherent. They temporarily existed in an ever changing chain of snapshots that invisible flashlight was gouging from the subconsciousness. No reflection, no train of thought, no response.
Something was calling insistently racking the surface, trying to get deeper and failing again and again. It wasn't time. It was no way back. Too much has happened to process.
Deep sea diving-like feeling was replaced with instant floating devoid of purpose and direction. It could be it. Gliding quietly across the friendlier shores. Glimpses of light seemed farther and father away, voices streaming into a bubbling murmur.
No presence.




Chapter 3: Memories

'Hey, are you listening?'
The voice reached her and she was looking at her friend trying to figure out what the topic was.
'Yes?' she answered.
'Come on, are you here at all?' Jill was definitely annoyed. 'I am going away for a week. You absolutely must take care of the cat and the flowers and the bills if you want to have electricity on'.
'Sure, of course', she responded absently. 'Everything will be ok'.
'I hope so', Jill was looking at her uncertain whether she should change her plans and stay. 'What's the matter with you? You are spacing out, you don't remember what we discussed, you sleep with your eyes opened.'
'It's nothing, I'm just a little tired. The tests are over, now I can relax.' 'I'd feel much easier if you visited your folks or blew up the steam with others instead of spending time locked up here alone'. Jill was definitely uncomfortable leaving her.
'I'll be fine, don't worry about me. Go and have fun yourself. I'll be right here when you're back. I'll enjoy my quiet time,' she smiled.
'As you like. Send me updates at least, don't vanish. I won't call you.' Jill turned and looked at her for a second, picked up her bag and was gone.

It was raining outside despite all the weather forecast reassurances . Spring was coming slowly, very slowly. There was something unsettling about it. She couldn't quite put a finger on it. Why would it bother her this much. Winter was over and done with. She always looked forward to a summer season and all its possibilities: long days, freedom of being outside, break from studies, travel...
This year it felt different. Something was out of place and she had no clue what it was. Recently even dreams were deeper and more disturbing. Not clear cut nightmares, no. They were too vivid, showing things and places she couldn't recall. It left her wondering in the mornings and daydreaming on occasion. It wouldn't let her focus on other things, like plans for the final year at the college. She had a vague fancy of being watched. Nothing intruding, just a subtle 'watching over you' kind of thing, not disturbing but making you very aware of it.
'It must be all in my head. I need to get out more often, talk to someone'. Not an easy task during the break. Everyone seemed to have left town, leaving, or planing to leave.

...Leaving town, in a hurry, taking train after train, going further and further away...
Somehow these words were suddenly significant. They came from nowhere and left her wondering: 'going away why, running from what?!'
'Whose thoughts are those? They aren't mine.'

She came to her senses. The cat was watching her with his wide open blue eyes hesitating to come closer. 'Hey, kitty. Is it your dinner time?'
They went to the kitchen, she removed the treat from the cabinet and placed into the cat's bowl.
Rain outside was gradually maturing into something resembling a storm. It was too windy to go out, too dark.
Rattling sound was being louder. 'It's going to be hard to sleep,' she noted to herself. 'It's should be a nice day tomorrow though. I'll go out.'
The phone rang. Wrong number.
It was Friday night. TV programs were too boring. People were expected to be out having fun.
How very predictable.

Outside the window trees were dancing moving their branches like hands, swaying back and forth. And then the thunder came crashing down leaving pulsating lightenings across the sky. Very strong statement.
In the choice between the book and the diary, the diary won. She was checking in again trying to make the flow more coherent.
Somewhere in the middle of it she dozed off and was descending into a deeper layers of sleep.
The storm was gently rocking the world around.

Suddenly, she opened her eyes. All consuming fear of the impending danger paralyzed her every movement. Seconds were ticking loudly before all came down and buried her alive leaving only the little triangle-shaped opening in the end of the recess like a window to the last stage of the drama. She gasped for the air frozen in her immobility, unable to cry out.
'Open your eyes! Open your eyes!', something nudged her insistently.

In the next moment, she was already sitting on the bed listening to her beating heart resonate in her every thought.




Chapter 4: Intruder

Weeks have passed and 'the dream' started to bother her less and less. She could sleep again, innocent dreamless sleep without fear or follow-up analysis. It was all dismissed as side effects of stress, fatigue, worries about the future etc etc.
Life started to make sense once again. Summer was here with all the opportunities to offer.
She was going on a trip she had planned a long time. The bags were packed, tickets confirmed, cameras handy, phrase book neatly arranged in her phone.
It was going to be a long flight but she looked forward to a new invigorating experience in the land far-far away. A complete change of scenery is what she prescribed herself.

Airport, flight, landing, on the ground again. New scene, people, sounds, smells...
She picked her luggage and made her way to the city bound train.
Sleek design, multilingual crowd, sunny heat outside the window intercepted by the subtle air conditioning. 'Need some refreshing sleep. No time for jet lags.' Hotel was small but neat and full of all the latest gadgets. It lacked personality, of course, but it was new and cheerfully painted, and felt young and inviting.
'Sleep first, then start exploring'...
It was such a pleasure to finally stretch in full length. And the sleep didn't wait.

Waking up to a dark evening was strange. Her mind expected morning but her eyes were staring at the bright street neons outside. The light flowed into the small room through the window obliterating darkness. It was only eight o'clock and she needed something to eat.
She had an eclectically assembled dinner at the hotel and ventured outside. Being cautious she stayed on lit up streets with people. Boxy architecture didn't surprise or excite her. It was the old she was aiming at seeing. But for tonight it'd have to do. Navigating her way around the busy city center she felt alive and surprisingly not alone.
The sudden feeling of deja vu came from nowhere. She realized that she was walking for at least an hour now and not even once consulted the map. And somehow she navigated the place as smoothly as if it was a routine. The city wasn't giant of course and she was used to living in a metropolis. Still, it felt both comforting and disturbing at the same time.
'Just a coincidence', she decided not to be bothered. Later that night in bed she was planing her next day and fell asleep anticipating little miracles the same way kids anticipate Christmas with all that it has to offer.

She was dreaming again. She was walking along the narrow path full of scarlet leaves. The sky was of the topaz blue. It was breathtaking. Few seconds later she was in front of a temple, small and shy, hiding behind pine trees, intricately built with elegantly shaped window-eyes. In another moment she was already in a garden by the pond surrounded by multicolored maples. The surface of the water was mirroring the scenery. It wasn't even possible to be sure which side was real. She looked down and saw her own reflection. Although, looking closer she couldn't recognize herself. She rubbed her eyes and focused again. The same reflection was looking back at her.
'I am you...', moved the lips.
She touched the surface disturbing the image and quickly stood up.
The ripples took it away and suddenly there was the crashing building again, the sound of braking walls and the burning sky in the triangular-shaped opening. And the pain, followed by the overwhelming sorrow and grief that was so unbearably real that it woke her up.

It was morning. She dressed in a hurry and ran out on the street.
She kept hurrying towards something. The same path brought her to the temple. Tourists were starting to pure in. 'The exact same temple with eyes', she noted to herself. Then walking back with the confidence of knowledge not a guess, she found the garden and the pond and the trees. Everything looked the same except for the season. The leaves were green and the sky was of the softer blue. After staring at the surroundings for a while she made herself look at the water, closer, closer.

It was her, no doubt but somehow it didn't make it any easier.




Chapter 5. On the road

...She was on a train again, speeding away to the east. Not in the original plan, just something she felt compelled to do on the spur of the moment. As if somebody whispered in her ears 'go, hurry'.
Her dreams reminded more and more pieces of the puzzle she couldn't connect yet. They rolled around like colorful raindrops, reflecting facets of somebody's life, like a footage from the forgotten movie, vaguely remembered as an impression rather than story.

Looking back she was remembering siting by the lake a couple of days ago. It was a perfect afternoon with soft golden shadows on everything around that made the experience even more surreal. A little bench by the shore, an elderly man feeding birds, feisty little corgy running along, a very slight murmur of water splashing against the stones. Feeling of calm, safety, peace... She rested her eyes and let her other senses work. There was a waiting time. She knew something must come when she opens her eyes again. The boat. And as she thought of it, she caught a glimpse of a beautiful white riverboat slowly approaching the peer. With the myriads of seagulls against the silver blue sky and drowning in the water clouds. Smaller boats were gliding along the skyline in no hurry.
She suddenly realized that she could just sit here for ages and let days go by. No time, no memories in existence. The perfect balance.

But as often in recent days worrying feeling came from nowhere and urged her to move, go, find something else.
And here she was, almost half-way on her journey to the place that once had a meaning and importance, declined right after the terrible events that altered it forever. Sure there was still the city, rebuilt literally from scratch, much smaller and insignificant, never raising again to it's former glory. Too much damage, devastation, horror... People preferred to avoid it, most survivors moved away, some of course remained. It looked modest and quiet with much-much slower pace, and on the bright side greener. There was something somber about it even now, decades later.

When she arrived at the station and went outside she didn't really know what to do next. There were no signs or hints. People around her were hurrying in different directions. An older woman stopped and asked if she needed any help.
And then she suddenly knew what it was.
With the sound of the name the woman looked at her in surprise:
'How do you know? No one calls it this anymore.'
'I just heard...' she couldn't come up with any plausible explanation.
'You'll need to take another train and then bus. But there's really not much left there, just the hills. Only few people live there now.'
'Did they? I mean before?'
'Yes. It used to be a busy place', the woman sighed. 'Anyway, good luck'.
'Thank you so very much for your help'.
Woman nodded and was on her way.

A smaller train was moving along giving her time to acquaint herself with new surroundings. She stopped wondering about the meaning of this trip and was just looking out of the window. Trees, buildings, further and further apart, people. Nothing unusual or significant.
A short bus ride later she was standing next to the stop sign looking around and finding only few scattered houses in view. Despite her uncertainties she was moving towards the hills. 'There must be a bridge somewhere here'. Strange but logical thought. 'No, can't see any.' There was no bridge but she could see a little pathway heading the same direction. Few trees and wild flowers on both sides.
She hurried up the hill as if in a sudden need to see something, something she used to know.

Coming up she was expecting to see something that will explain all the bizzare dreams and confusing reality lapses, and finally help her understand.




Chapter 6. Who am I?

When she finally reached the top of the hill, it wasn't what she was expecting. It was nothing there to see except for few trees and tall grass. There weren't any houses or people around.
There were flowers full of busy bees and butterflies. The afternoon heat didn't seem to slow them down. An airplane was making a long white line across the sky...

But before she could even formulate her feeling, a sudden crushing sound came from nowhere and swept her into the darkness. Distant roar was getting louder with every coming second. And then all the hell broke loose...
Heavy walls were coming down, disintegrating, burring her alive, leaving only a small triangular recess through which she could see a distant light or a fire.
She was living her nightmares. But this time they were painfully real, to the very detail, tangible in every breath she took. She could smell the dust, feel the walls closing in, sense the fear of being trapped in a tiny space below.
The concrete sarcophagus above her haven't yet stopped moving.
The heavy screeching noise of dying outside world, moaning in agony was unbearable.
The terror left her speechless.
The wasn't time for anything...
There was no time, period.
There was a regret, somewhere deep in the subconsciousness trying to get out. There was still a reflex to hold on, in all the mess of moving, reintegrating peaces of reality. She was clutching something in her hand she couldn't see or recognize.
From under the heavy eyelids, pierced with occasional fire bolts darkness was soaking her up.
The extreme fatigue of these last minutes of living exhausted her.
She closed her eyes and let go...

The next thing she remembered was being under the tree, holding her knees and sobbing uncontrollably. All the tension, all the suspense of recent weeks were just too much for her. Unable to control it she wept for something she didn't remember knowing, moaning the loss of the life she was somehow connected to and still not understanding how.
The world around was back to normal, like nothing ever happened.
The darkness was gone and instead the sun was sliding closer to the horizon.




Chapter 7. Encounter

The pain was slowly subsiding. The calm of the place with nothing but sounds of birds and wind lazily going through the leaves above was soothing. She slowly opened her eyes.

- Are you alright?
A sporty young man in his thirties was looking at her. His bicycle was on the grass nearby. He must've stopped on his way.
- Can I help?
She was slowly getting hold of herself. The reality, her own reality was here again. She looked at him slightly surprised to hear her native tongue, practically in the middle of nowhere.
- I am fine. It's nothing.
- It didn't look like nothing.
He wasn't convinced.
'How much did he see', she was thinking to herself.

- Are you new here? Myself I've been here for some time now. I could help. I know how overwhelming the place could be to a newcomer.
'He doesn't give up.' After a short hesitation she answered:
- It's a long story and you'll probably think I'm out of my mind.
He didn't seem discouraged.
- Let's get a cup of coffee. There's a small caffe down this road. I can see you need to talk to someone. Might as well be me.

He helped her up, picked his bicycle and in a minute they were walking down the hill. Only once she stopped to look back. The house that should've been there wasn't anywhere in sight. Just the grass and few maples trees. 'How strange', she thought to herself, 'not even a reminder'...

After she poured out all the messy story, going back and forth, describing details that might have been important, it started to form some sort of a shape. However incredible in it's essense, having been sounded out made it real and structured. It wasn't just in her head anymore. It helped to unload this invisible burden she was carrying around for the last several months all on her own.

He didn't interrupt her, didn't show a surprise or disbelief. He just kept looking at her and listening to every word she was saying. It did seem important. Incredible, strange, curiously misterious, unexplained, spooky and so many more words that could be used to discribe it.
She didn't look like she was making this up. There wasn't any excitement or pleasure derived from this narration in her demeanor.
Very few emotions were mirrored in her face, just a slight frown when she was looking for the right word, deeply layered sadness in her grey eyes, a distant look as if she was searching for something beyond her immediate surroundings.




Chapter 8 The invisible someone

That night she slept as it used to be, deep and sound sleep. Unburdening herself helped release the tension that was gradually building up over the past several months. It gave a breathing space and a piece of mind to contemplate.
'Tomorrow we'll attempt to find out who she was if at all possible' - she remembered telling herself before sliding into a cosy oblivion. Her new friend was meeting her in the morning.

For a few hours she was able to let go. She dreamt of something but could not remember what it was. Except for a blurry figure of a man who seemed to be watching her. It wasn't disturbing. She actually felt a comfortably reassuring feeling of being watched over, being safe. There weren't any clues who he was or why he was here. And she was simply content going with the flow. What must happen will happen and any mystery will be clarified in time. She knew better than hurrying things up.
Despite all the remaining questions her inner balance was somewhat restored.

The next few days were full of busy searches, dead ends, fragile leads, hopes, disappointments and perseverance.
The more they dug into the past the deeper this unplanned involvement seemed to go, for him now almost as much as for her. Old records were hard but not entirely impossible to track. At times they felt so close to unlocking the mystery that it felt just a step away. It was long and frustrating process but bringing them both still unaware of it closer together.

A couple of weeks later and she couldn't imagine being on her own, not being able to talk to him, spend time searching, relying on his knowledge and wit to keep her spirits up and keep going.
It's funny how things come together all intentions aside, beyond all the careful planning.
Life was happening in her own messy way where the underlying meaning of the moment was still illusive.




Chapter 9 He

How come his life suddenly became a chapter from someone's book.
For days now he'd been trying to understand this turn of events that took him off the regular track.
He didn't regret it but it did surprise him. All came so unexpectedly and it hadn't been a dull moment since. He looked at her and couldn't remember the days prior to their meeting. They faded, became less significant.
This new pursuit was amazingly surreal but made more sense than anything else he ever experienced.
They were still struggling to find whoever it was calling on her to remember. Every new lead kept opening yet another door to the unknown. It was clear to both of them this wasn't going to be an easy undertaking and they were determined to use the time they had to spare to the best of their effort.

He asked himself a simple question: was it about her? And the answer was: of course, it was.
But this wasn't a regular infatuation. There was surely an attraction.
Something else, something deeper he still couldn't grasp.
She came into his life and without even knowing took it for granted.
It would've bothered him before as he cherished his freedom but not now, not with her. He couldn't explain it and just went along.
Watching her speak, or read, or browse, or just be lost in thought made him for some bizarre reason feel at peace. Gaps of silence didn't seem to matter or disturb.
Like something from the forgotten dream, cosy and comfortable, and moreover familiar.

In his mind the image of a crying girl under the tree on an empty hill was still very vivid. Why did that place seem so empty? Something should've been there. It was..., just too long ago.
People used to live there, grew older, fought and were happy once.
What a cruel end...
He tried to imagine himself in that particular situation but couldn't even fathom the scale.




Chapter 10 Dreams

She dreamt almost every night. Often dreams ambushed her, crowding and interrupting each other in the attempt to signify something, throw the light on unturned yet stones, throwing the clues around without as much as a hint of what they should mean.
Sleep became work, restless wondering... She was used to waking up exhausted and with more questions than answers.

In one of her dreams it's an early morning. She is waking up, with that cosy feeling of a good night sleep that slowly eases you into a new day. Softer light carving the reality out of shadows. Sun streaming in a light glow. Sounds gradually making their presence.
But all this tranquility is soon proving to be treacherous.
In a few moments the uncertain feeling of something amiss starts to slowly sip in, filling the space around, something not being here, or someone... That lonely feeling, a tear in a fabric of life, void...
It gets gradually darker, black water moving in, circling, rising higher and higher above the horizon... Cold and determined, leaving no hope.
She screams in desperation.
The horror stifling her throat.
Her eyes fixed on the rising water.
Her mind racing.
'Where are you? Help me...please'
The echo carries away her voice
There's no one to hear
Under the water with the last breath she repeats endlessly: 'Find me!
Somewhere in this universe, find me'...
She struggles, she moves against all odds, not giving up, not letting go...

She is gasping for breath and waking up.
And what's left of all this is a gaping sense of loss, desire to run, move, find something or someone so she could be complete again.




Chapter 11 Across the ocean

At some point in their search for answers she realized that another trip across the ocean is inevitable. There were leads and questions that had a good chance to be answered there.
'I can't expect you to go on such an extended journey with me.' She felt a pang of sorrow saying that to him. 'I've already taken so much of your time.'
'I'll come with you.' Said he as a matter of fact. For him it was obvious and clear.
'But your work? It's one thing when we are here.'
'Don't worry about it. I'll think of something, take an early vacation perhaps. It's not important.'
'Are you sure?' Deep down she was relieved. This trip would've been so lonely without him.
('How did I come to depend on him so much...')
'No worries. Let's get packing.' He smiled at her. 'I'll make arrangements'.
'Thanks. I don't know what I would've done without you.'
'Probably the same. You don't seem to have a choice.'
('True indeed,' she thought to herself, 'but even my time is limited'.)

A couple of days later they were in the air heading west with all the anticipation of something new to come. Still blind to the exact purpose and unclear on how much more they need to know.
They did discover 'Her' name, occupation and where she was from, that she was married... but was this enough? 'Her' restless self somehow invaded their lives and weren't letting go.

When they landed, busily packed with tourists and locals airport met them with insistent buzz of various languages. Riding train to a small but famous town was next.
Exhausted they dropped off their luggage at the picturesque country hotel and went into the town hoping to stumble on yet another clue. Sitting on the patio in a small restaurant overlooking the medieval cathedral was somehow comforting and strangely familiar.
She's gotten used to these deja vu moments, sudden pangs reminding of things that already happened, somewhere, sometime...
When later they walked along one of the narrow streets turning away from the city center, she had this sudden urge to enter a little green shop in the corner hoping to see Christmas decorations (strangely in the middle of summer). And surprisingly here it was, all year round Christmas shop with all the colorful stars, lights, candles, cascading tree ornaments.
'I've been here before, haven't I? At least one of us did. And it was also in summer.'
Her thoughts were entangled in all consuming struggle to see the demarcation between what she knew to be her own self and that of the other.

It all felt like a prelude to something.




Chapter 12 Meeting

That night she suddenly woke up and realized she was standing in the middle of the room dressed. It was dark outside. She couldn't remember when and how she got ready.
She felt a very strong compulsion to go outside. It seemed a crazy thing to do at this hour but then all of it was a borderline in itself.
She could resist this urgent need no more than any other compulsion coming from within where another person was struggling to break free.
She went limp and let this other person take over. She'd remain a passive observer for a change.

And then another 'she' ran out of the door and down the dimly lit cobblestone street towards the cathedral they passed on their way yesterday. There was a certain significance about that place. It felt too familiar.
'She' was standing in front of the big heavy doors not worried that they were obviously locked for the night. Turning around 'she' swept surroundings with one quick glance. It looked like 'she' was waiting for someone.
It wasn't very long. After a while somebody stepped forward from the shadows and was moving towards 'her' while 'she' was still piercing the darkness searching.
Slowly his features became clearer and she gasped recognizing the invisible protector from her dreams.
'Look back!' she wanted to scream alerting her other self who was completely unaware of his presence but couldn't utter a word.

'I am here', he said.
'She' turned around in a second: 'It's you! Oh, God, it's you...'
And in a moment he already held her in his arms: '...as we promised. I was waiting here all along, since it happened'.
'I tried to find you earlier but I couldn't. It's so hard when it's not just you. I had to piece my memories together...' 'She' was speaking fast.
'I know.' He looked at 'her'. 'I know, time flows in different wave lengths but you are here now. It's all that matters.'
'She' was holding on to him: 'It took so long to get here. I missed you so much.'
He looked in her eyes: 'Nothing can separate us. You remember I told you that long time ago and it's true.'
'I know it now.' 'She' smiled at him.
'There's so much I'd like to tell you... So much you still need to understand.'
'What about her?' 'She' hesitated.
'Don't worry, she won't remember... It's not important.
What matters is - us having another chance.
Lets go inside.' And he led her in.

...When she opened her eyes the sun was up and streaming in through an old fashioned long window. Her latest dream (or was it really a dream?) was loosing its edges, blending into the morning.
In a few moments she couldn't even recall it but for the first time in weeks she felt refreshed and somehow at peace.




Chapter 13 Lost and found

...'I don't know where or when it'll end.' She sighed. 'It feels like my life doesn't belong to me anymore.'
He looked at her and didn't say anything. She wasn't waiting for an answer.
'We need to see it through', he said after a while. 'Something that took this much out of our lives should mean something even if it isn't clear right now'.
'Do you think we'll ever know?' She looked at him with uncertainty in her eyes.
He wasn't sure what to say.

In the past weeks they were getting closer. Being together most of the time made them both very aware of each other's presence. The relationship that has been evolving in such unusual circumstances matured enough and was ready for another step. They carefully treaded the line too self-conscious to acknowledge the possibility of a deeper connection. The reality of dealing with the unsolved mystery was all too consuming.
At times the proximity itself made them seek space and distance.
He has been cautious not to disturb what they had and became too precious to loose. One wrong step and the ambiance would be broken.
She on her part also felt this tension but was afraid to speculate what it meant.

One of the evenings they were dining at a small dimly lit French caffe. Meals there were exquisite without being pretentious. Soft elegant music and impeccable service made it their favorite place in town.
Conversation stirred away from the purpose of their trip was drifting casually. Shimmering candle light tilted clear lines twisting them into new, unusual shapes. He was watching her rather than listening to the words. She was more relaxed and uninhibited. He liked the way she smiled. It would start in the corners of her mouth and then slowly move lighting up her eyes. There was a soft inviting glow about them.
When their eyes met it seemed like inaudible conversation continued adding to the words what couldn't be said.
She felt the unusual vibe of this situation. Something has changed and was moving fast. She could attribute it to the late evening, wine after the long day, or sleepless nights... but deep in her heart she knew it wasn't any of it.
It felt new, it was here, sweeping her off her feet.
Still, when the kiss came it did surprise her with its sudden unconcealed passion. It explained more than any words could.
She hesitated for a second and let it happened diving into unknown and yet so familiar.




Chapter 14 Finale

It was one of these days when things seemed to be exceptionally sharp in their clarity.
She was wondering why it didn't occur to her sooner. It was so simple.

He was coming down the little cobble stoned street towards her.
Morning sun was gently brushing against the walls of buildings giving them pinkish hue.
Feather like clouds where moving faster than they were supposed to across the sky.
Freshness of the unveiling day was full of promises.

There was something vaguely familiar about it all. Something that had already happened a lifetime ago. Yet it was a beginning of something new that came to live again.
She was looking at him and remembering another day, in another life where the same scene was unravelling with the precise accuracy. And it was herself who suddenly knew who he was, from all the dreams passing in blurry vision of something so painfully familiar, so dear...
She knew she would recognize him anywhere from a miriad of moments together, from what has been... sleeping now deep in the memories of her former self.

He was coming closer and seeing her he smiled.
The circle was finally complete.
She smiled back and waved at him.